


I wish you knew

by Darlingheart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 17:05:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12392361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darlingheart/pseuds/Darlingheart
Summary: Clarke reflects on her break-up





	1. I miss you too much to be mad anymore

**Author's Note:**

> This is from Clarke's POV. Title from Taylor Swift's 'I wish you would'

If she’d thought she was actually breaking up with Bellamy that night, she would never have hung up. She’d have stayed on the phone until her battery died, until all the breath had left her body. Because the last thing she wanted to do was end things but somehow she did. And now, because the world likes a laugh, she sees him for the first time in six months – other than the awkward exchange of stuff but that doesn’t count – and of course he looks great and she looks like shit.

She’s meeting Octavia for lunch at this new restaurant she’d wanted to try and she’s hungover. The kind of hungover where your eyeballs hurt. The kind of hungover, where each time you open your mouth to speak you get hit by a wave of last night’s bad decisions, that smell suspiciously like white wine and regret.

It was her own fault. She was meant to meet Raven for a quick drink after work but Raven could drink and Clarke was preoccupied, always a bad way to start a night. So one had led to another one, and another one, and then a couple more because why not. And the next thing Clarke remembers is waking up in an uber, she didn’t remember booking, outside her apartment. She knows she got in ok because she woke up, fully clothed, on her bed an hour before she was meant to meet Octavia. Not ideal.

It was because she was meeting Octavia that she was so preoccupied. It was the first time they were hanging out one on one, since Clarke had realised how badly she’d fucked up with Bellamy. She’d been planning on casually asking Octavia how Bellamy was – even though it was strictly against Octavia’s post break up ground rules.

 

_Six months earlier_

Clarke remembers Octavia coming up with the rules.

She came round to Clarke’s with a box of her stuff from Bellamy. Clarke had known it was coming, he’d text her about it, so she had his stuff ready but she’d assumed he’d be the one to come over. She had a whole speech planned and every thing. Instead she opened the door to find a very pissed off Octavia.

“Do I look like the US Postal Service?” she’d demanded as she stormed into Clarke’s apartment.

Clarke couldn’t even form a response before Octavia continued, “How about a FedEx man, a UPS driver, or even a fucking mule?”

“Uh no.” Clarke stammered when it seemed obvious that Octavia expected a response.

“Didn’t think so.”

Octavia put the box of stuff down on Clarke’s coffee table and then turned back to face her with her hands on her hips.

“In that case, riddle me this, why am I being used to deliver your stuff to you and take Bell’s back to him?”

Clarke didn’t have a response to that so she did the only thing she could manage, burst into tears.

“Because he fucking hates me.” She managed between sobs.

Clarke heard Octavia swear-whisper to herself as she came over and hugged Clarke. Moving her over to the sofa to sit down.

“Look, I think you’re being a dumb bitch right now, and Bellamy is my brother but you’re one of my closest friends, even if that does currently have an asterix because,” she shrugged, “brother.”

She continued, “we’re going to need some ground rules ok, because I want to keep you both in my life even if I am on the record as thinking this entire break up is stupid.”

“Ok,” Clarke snuffled, wiping her tears with her sleeve to look at Octavia.

“One, you can’t ask me about him.”

“Two, you can’t expect me to tell you anything about him even if you don’t ask.”

“Three, I don’t want to be in the middle of this so from now on I am fucking Switzerland, with less chocolate and Nazi gold.”

Clarke laughed at that.

“Now, that being said, because I am not a total monster I am breaking rule two in a one-time-only deal.”

Clarke swiped her eyes again and nodded, “ok.”

“He doesn’t ‘fucking hate you’ he’s in the car, he wanted to come up but, when we got here, he just couldn’t.”

“Oh.”

“Oh is right. So give me his stuff and I can pretend this awkward shit-show never happened.”

Clarke motions to the table where all of Bellamy’s stuff – well almost all, she kept the t-shirt she used to sleep in – is packed up.

Octavia leans over and hugs Clarke before she goes to get the stuff, “I love you. You’ll be ok, I promise.”

Then she’s gone, grabbing the box of things for Bellamy and stalking out of the door.

Clarke’s at her window before the door has even shut, and sure enough, there he is, leaning against his stupid truck looking every inch as handsome as she knows he is. She ducks out of sight as Octavia comes out of the building and when Bellamy glances up, she thinks he might have seen her. By the time she’s built up the courage to look back out of the window they’ve gone.

 

_Present day_

Now, all thought of breaking the rules have flown out of Clarke’s head, there he is. In blue jeans with a pale grey jumper that seems to have been made for him the way it fits him so well. He’s got his sleeves rolled up, which makes her remember how much she loves his arms. His hair is all wild and messy, just as she likes it. And Clarke is struck by two things, how much she loves him still, and how awful she looks. She’s wearing last nights make-up and a floral dress with boots that’s she’s only wearing because it was the closest thing to hand that is vaguely clean.

He’s having an animated conversation with Octavia, as only the Blake’s can. All hand gestures and facial expressions, and she’s so busy watching them that it’s not until he gestures towards the restaurant that she realises she might be visible. So Clarke does the only sensible thing, slinks down low in her chair and builds a mini wall with the menus. Making sure there’s a gap so she can still see them, of course.

She’s momentarily distracted by a very confused waiter asking her if she wants water, which is why she’s taken by surprise when she looks through the menus to see no one there, not even Bellamy’s truck, and instead feels a shadow fall over the table as an impeccable Octavia Blake asks, “what the fuck are you doing?”

“Uhhh… I dropped something.” Clarke fumbles.

“Right.” Octavia says sitting down and giving Clarke a look.

Clarke tries to meet Octavia’s stare, she really does, but the hangover has tipped from pain into inexplicable fear and sadness, so her eyes fill with tears automatically.

“Oh god. This place has only just opened, I’d like to be able to return.” Octavia says at the sight of tears. But she grabs Clarke’s hand and squeezes it in support.

“Sorry, I am just really hungover -”

“Raven?” Octavia interrupts with a smirk.

“Raven” Clarke confirms as Octavia laughs and glances as her menu.

“And, then, well…” Clarke doesn’t know how to bring it up, it’s against the rules but she wants to talk about him. He looked so good, he’s obviously doing well and selfishly she wants to know everything.

“You saw me and Bellamy outside.” Octavia guesses looking back up at Clarke, and Clarke thanks the stars that Octavia isn’t stupid.

Clarke nods.

“Ugh. Ground rules Griffin. They exist for a reason!”

“I know. And I know I’m a shitty friend but…” Clarke tails off, because she does know she’s being shitty but she also knows that she doesn’t care. She misses him.

Octavia just waits, looking at Clarke, waiting for her to elaborate.

“I miss him Octavia. And I know 'ground rules' and I know it was my fault but I miss him and, I guess, I just wanted to know if he’s ok.”

There is an awkward pause when the waiter comes over to take their orders, but once he’s walked away Octavia speaks.

“He is ok. He’s doing well actually. He got a promotion at work, and is starting to seem like himself again.”

Clarke nods, she expected as much, it still hurts but at least he’s happy.

“Thanks. I just-” she starts.

“I’m not done.” Octavia says, looking at Clarke before looking down at the table and playing with the stem of her glass. “I am breaking about a million ground rules, not to mention friend and sister codes but what the hell.” She says more to herself than Clarke.

“I don’t understand what happened with you guys but he was a mess, you both were actually. And he seems like he’s doing better. But then I thought you were moving on and look at you…” Octavia says not unkindly.

Clarke shrugs. She is a mess and she’s feeling pretty pathetic right now.

“If it were me,” Octavia begins haltingly, “I would want to know that I ended things for the right reason. And I’m not saying you should, because I really don’t know how my brother will react, but hypothetically speaking if it was my relationship that ended so quietly, when it started so loudly, I think I’d want one final conversation to know why. But that’s just me.”

“We both know you’d never have waited six months to find out what had happened. If it was you and Lincoln you’d have marched straight over there.” Clarke laughs.

“Please, Linc would never break up with me over the phone. Partly because he’s a luddite, but mostly because I’m awesome.”

“Yes you are.”

“Now ground rules back in place.” Octavia says and Clarke nods. “Good, tell me what is going on with Raven and that hot blonde chick from her work.”

 

Clarke feels surprisingly better after her lunch with Octavia. It’s a feeling that lasts until she is alone in her apartment again. She can’t stop thinking about Bellamy, she wants to talk to him but doesn’t know how. If he is happy, she doesn’t want to ruin things but then, it seemed like Octavia was hinting that he wasn’t happy. She wants him to know that she’s not happy, that she misses him but it feels selfish, so she pushes it down.

She cleans her entire apartment to try and keep from thinking about it. When that fails she puts a crappy show on Netflix and tries to take her mind off everything. When even that fails, Clarke decides that she has had enough of this day and goes to bed even though it’s only 7pm.

She tries to ignore the fact that she pulls on his on t-shirt to sleep in and hopes that the universe will actually let her sleep the day away.

It’s dark when Clarke wakes she rolls over and checks her phone, which says it’s 2am. She doesn’t remember her dream but knows Bellamy was in it. Before she’s really processed what she’s doing she’s grabbing her jeans off the floor, stuffing her feet into her boots by the door and grabbing her old leather jacket.

Nervous energy and adrenaline carry her through the drive and all the way up to Bellamy’s front door. It’s only when she is knocking on his door that she realises that turning up at 3am, with no plan, is essentially a bad plan.

She is stepping back from the door when it opens and there he is.

“Clarke?”

She looks at him, he’s all sleepy, in flannel pyjama bottoms and a threadbare t-shirt.

She can see the confusion on his face and knows she should say something profound and amazing, but she has nothing. She steps closer and before he starts to speak she blurts, “I miss you.”

She’s close enough to him now that she can see the flicker on his face, the momentary softness at her words. Close enough that she sees when it hardens back into a blank mask. And because she doesn’t want that, doesn’t want either of them to hurt anymore she reaches to him on instinct, her hand brushing his cheek.

Then they’re kissing.

 


	2. Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Bellamy's POV. Title from Harry Styles' Two Ghosts.

“So… what now?” Bellamy asks.

He can still feel the imprint of her lips on his, he can see her chest heaving as she gets her breath back and he knows his is doing the same. For all their problems, attraction was never one of them.

“I don’t know.” Clarke whispers.

“That’s not good enough.” He replies staring at her. Clarke responds by sliding down the wall – that only moments ago he had her pushed up against – slumping to the floor and putting her head in her hands.

He wants to go to her. Upset Clarke is pretty much his worst nightmare and he itches to go and comfort her, but he knows where that will lead and right now it can’t, plus he’s still really mad.

“So let me get this straight. You show up at my house, at 3am” he makes a show of looking at his watch even though it’s not really necessary, “after breaking up with me and not speaking to me for months. Then you say you miss me. You kiss me. And now you don’t know.”

At the kiss me line she’d looked up at him with a scowl and he can tell she’s thinking about refuting that point, arguing that they kissed each other, but she doesn’t. The look slides off her face and she looks down at the floor.

“For fucks sake Clarke.”

He sits down on the edge of the chair, not taking his eyes from her. He’d been too stunned to take her in properly when she first turned up but now he really looks. Her hair is the same, a bit shorter maybe but still the blonde curls he remembers twisting his hands into. She’s wearing her beaten up leather jacket and underneath he thinks he sees his old Ark t-shirt but can’t be sure. Her jeans are worn and blue and tucked into flat black boots. She looks ordinary and remarkable all at the same time and he’s certain he’s never seen anything that looks so familiar, anything he wants so much, before in his life.

“Stop staring at me.” She snaps, but without any real fire.

“Start talking and I will.” He snaps back. “You don’t get to show up here in the middle of the night and start making demands.”

He’s thinking he’s about to get the silent treatment again and is contemplating leaving the room to go to bed, just to piss her off, it’s not like he’ll actually sleep. Not now.

“I saw you today.” That stops him.

“What? Where? I didn’t see you.”

“I was Octavia’s lunch date. I was already in the restaurant, I saw you drive up and then get out to talk to her before she went inside. And you didn’t see me because I practically crawled under the table when I saw you.”

“Classy.”

“I know right?” And a ghost of a smile hovers over her lips.

“I didn’t know you were having lunch with O,” he says, because her smiling is doing strange things to him and he doesn’t want to get sidetracked, again. “I knew you were still friends, of course.”

That raises a little chuckle from Clarke.

He raises his eyebrow in a question at her response.

“When we broke up she told me that she wasn’t taking sides but that you’re her brother and I was being, I quote, ‘a dumb bitch’ so she was still my friend but with an asterix.”

That makes him laugh, “sounds like Octavia.”

“So, yeah, technically we’re still friends.”

“If it makes you feel better she told me that she wasn’t dropping you because we were too stupid to make it work and that just because I was her brother it didn’t mean I got automatic dibs on her friendship.”

Clarke laughs loudly at that, “God, you raised a bitch.”

“I prefer strong, independent woman,” he says smiling so she knows he’s not annoyed, “but, yeah. She’s kinda a bad-ass.”

The silence is easier this time but he still wants answers, so he prompts her.

“You saw me and then decided to come over?”

“Not really. I saw you and just thought, I miss him more than I’m mad at him,” she shrugs and her voice is so small that he almost covers the space to go to her.

“Do you remember what that final fight was about?” she asks before he can move. “Because I don’t. I was mad and I hung up on you but I thought it was the same as the other fights we had… that’s what we did. Fight, bicker, push each others buttons.”

He nods. It is what they did. They would argue, they would fight, but it was never mean it was always light. Or it had been at the beginning.

“But you didn’t call back,” she says looking straight at him now.

“Phones work both ways Princess.”

He sees her wince slightly at the long out of use nickname.

“Yeah they do. But I’m a stubborn brat and the longer you didn’t pick up the phone to call me the longer I got mad. And, well.” She throws up her hands as if to say, here we are.

“So we broke up because we’re stubborn?” He asks incredulously.

“Apparently,” she half smiles.

But he knows that’s not true. It was more than that. And it does them a disservice to pretend otherwise.

He walks over and sits next to her, back against the other wall – two sides of the corner – close enough that their legs would touch if she stretched hers out. Close enough that he can look at her still, but he’s not too close to be tempted to touch.

“Our fights weren’t fun anymore. It was like every time we spoke we’d argue and it was mean. It never started out like that. And so when you hung up that night, I was pissed, but I also thought maybe it was a sign. A sign we needed a bit of space.”

“Well we got a break up and six spacious months and counting, so I’d say mission accomplished.”

“Clarke…” and it’s a warning from him to her. A warning that now is not the time to pick, another, fight.

“Sorry. Old habits.”

Bellamy closes his eyes and leans his head back against the wall. 3am is not the time to be having this conversation, he thinks. But of course their first kiss was at 3am, so this makes sense.

“Do you remember the first time we kissed?” His eyes are still closed so he can’t see her reaction but he hears the little gasp at his words.

“Of course.”

“We were arguing,” he begins, and she picks up the thread because it’s a well-worn story.

“About whether boy bands could actually turn out successful solo artists, and I said Justin Timberlake, which you disagreed with even though Raven and Octavia agreed with me.”

“And you were so smug, thinking you’d won but I followed you into the kitchen to get another beer even though it was the middle of the night so I definitely didn’t need one, but I wanted to keep talking to you.”

“I didn’t know that. I thought you just wanted to keep arguing.” She says.

Bellamy opens his eyes to look at her, turning his head slightly, and he smiles at the small look of confusion on her face.

“I mean I did want to keep arguing, plus my point that Justin Timberlake is a weasel who threw Janet Jackson under a bus after the Superbowl and therefore should not be as successful as he is, was valid, but I wanted to argue, talk, with you.”

“Seeing you in the kitchen all blonde and smug, I realised I wanted to do everything with you. I wanted to argue with you for the rest of my life.”

“So you kissed me.” She interrupts.

“So I kissed you.”

He wants to kiss her now, can tell by the way her eyes flit to his lips that she wants to kiss him too but he can’t, this is too important.

“Then we spent a year fighting.” He says.

“It was fun at the beginning, and I don’t know when, or why, it changed.” Clarke says and he can see she’s telling the truth.

“Me neither. But it did and I can’t do that again. I don’t want to feel angry all the time Clarke, I spent my childhood doing that.”

She nods, because she knows but what is there to say. He can see, from the set of her jaw to the way she squares her shoulders that she is getting ready to leave. That she thinks it was a rejection. So he bends his knee slightly and taps her foot to get her to look at him.

“But I miss you too.” He tells her when she’s looking at him.

Her smile is so small he thinks he missed it, but when she stretches her legs out to meet his he knows they’ll be ok. He wants to have 3am conversations with her in the darkness of their room. He wants to kiss her whenever he wants because he can. He wants to find what they had before and he knows they can because he loves her, and he’s pretty sure she still loves him.

“We can’t be who we were,” he says and she looks at him questioningly, as if she thinks she’s read the last few moments wrong. “But we could be better?”

“Better.” She agrees.

This time he knows he kisses her first. But she responds and it’s like a fight. 

But better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this part first, then liked the idea of having a beginning to it so went back and wrote part one from Clarke's POV.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Bellarke/100 fanfic, in fact it's my first fanfic in a very long time. So if it sucked, I'm sorry.


End file.
